I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Can you bring me the toilet please
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
