Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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