yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
