He asked to "fluff my boner.."
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Small penises have feelings too.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
