Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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