I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
