hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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