yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
