ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
