Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
