he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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