Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
