never play flip cup with pint glasses
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
