Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
