the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
