my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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