There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
