I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Even the bartender felt bad for me
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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