Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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