Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
