2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Is her dick bigger than yours?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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