Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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