So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
