My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
