i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
