Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
