Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
