He disabled his match.com account in front of me
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
