People with herpes should wear stickers.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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