I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The maid of honor just puked.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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