She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
