i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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