I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
