I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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