My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
