You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
