can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I think I sprained my soul last night
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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