is your mom at the bar?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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