Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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