remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
