I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I touched a dick in church today
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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