I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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