I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
