Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
