no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
