You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
