Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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