How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
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