piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
