just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
